Fictional Conversations

You Are

“Who’s the dumb one now?”

“You are.”

“Who’s the worst friend ever?”

“You are.”

“Who’s the one you will love forever?”

“You are.”

Helen Keller

“You know Helen Keller was only famous ’cause she was blind and deaf?”

“Well, actu—”

“I mean, I’m blind and deaf, and I’m not famous!”

“Well, first of all, you have bubble soap in your eyes and you’ve stuffed cotton balls in your ea—”

“WHAT?”

Cat and Mouse

“Get in my mouth.”

“Why?”

“Because there’s a hot tub in there.”

“I hate hot tubs.”

“There’s an HDTV, too.”

“I have one already.”

“I’ll give you 1 million dollars.”

“I only accept Hong Kong currency.”

“Look, mouse, you like stomach acid?”

“Do I!”

“Then get in my belly.”

Conversation Between a Deaf Woman and a Blind Man

“UGGGGHHHLLLLPPPHGGG!”

“Hmm, I see what you mean.”

Urgent

“I mustache you a question… but I’m shaving it for later.”

“That’s a stupid joke.”

“I thought it was a hairy funny joke.”

NOT AGAIN!

“POOKIE! Come here! Did you pee on my pillow?”

Umm… no.

“Well, who did, then?”

You?

“No, Pookie, I did not pee on my pillow.”

Maybe you just don’t remember.

“POOKIE!”

Well, I had to go.

“Why didn’t you just go on your puppy pad?”

Because my feet get wet!

“Oh, and they don’t get wet when you pee on my pillow?”

No, ’cause I wiped my feet on your sheet. Hey, can I have a treat?

Kindergarten

“I’m beginning to think that everything worth knowing we learned in kindergarten.”

“How so?”

“I mean, when we were young we knew all the really important stuff. Share. Be nice to the other kids. Do the things you love. Screw the rest.”

“Not the last one so much.”

“Eh. Point is, why do we have to keep coming here, learning all the rest of this crap?”

“If I knew that, I wouldn’t have to go to high school.”

“Touché. Maybe, you know, the point of life is to regain what we knew back in the sandbox.”

“…Damien?”

“Yeah?”

“I think that’s the most profound thing you’ve ever said.”

“Thank you. It took me all morning to figure that all out.”

“How’d you even think of it?”

“There was a poster in the Character Ed room with a list of life lessons we learned in preschool.”

“Ah. That makes it slightly less impressive.”

“…I wasn’t supposed to tell you that part, was I?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Well, crap.”

In Character

“Hello, Josh.”

“Shut up, I’m in character.”

“Would your character actually say that?”

“No, I don’t think he would.”

“But would he think that?”

“Okay, really, shut up, I need to stay in character.”

“Why is your character in character?”

“He isn’t.”

“Why is your character referring to himself in the third person?”

“Damn it, why are you being so critical?”

“I’m in character as your acting studio teacher.”

“My acting studio teacher wouldn’t be in character as himself.”

“Touché.”

“He also doesn’t speak French.”

Caffeine

“I’m almost done with the last problem. I’m just drinking a Red Bull first.”

“Why are you drinking a Red Bull?”

“I started to feel tired.”

“But you’re on the last problem. Why didn’t you just finish up the problem and go to sleep?”

“I can’t work when I’m tired. I only got three hours of sleep last night.”

“I thought you went to bed at 2.”

“Well, yeah, but I didn’t actually fall asleep until like 4 or 5.”

“Yikes, does that happen a lot?”

“Well, usually only after working on problem sets like these.”

“Let me guess, you drank a lot of Red Bull last night too.”

“Only because I was so tired and needed to get them done.”

“So it took you a while to fall asleep the night before, huh?”

“How’d you know that?”

“I’m just detecting a pattern.”

Idle

“Have you ever noticed how some new electronic device comes out and you really want it, so you save your money and buy it, and for the first few days you use it all the time and you love it—but then it starts sitting around more and more until within a month you’re not using it at all?”

“Yep.”

“I hate that.”

“Me too.”