“I like pie.”
“Everyone likes pie. It’s one of those universal foods. If you don’t like pie, there’s something wrong with you.”
“I don’t like pie.”
“Me either. Cake is way better than pie.”
“Cake is too dry. Pie is so much better.”
“If your cake is dry, it’s bad cake.”
“There’s no such thing as bad pie.”
“So… who wants cookies?”
“Why do you use two towels after you shower?”
“You should try being covered in hair sometime.”
“Excuse me! Sir? Excuse me.”
“Yes?”
“I was wondering if you had the time?”
“Yes… it’s a quarter after never.”
“Pardon?”
“A quarter after never.”
“What does that mean?”
“Exactly.”
“I understand, ma’am. Yes, the spicy chicken is very spicy. I understand that. It’s in the name, ma’am. It’s supposed to be spicy. No, I’m not trying to be sarcastic, ma’am, I’m just—You know that it’s supposed to be spicy? Then why did you order it if you don’t like spicy foods? If it says it’s going to be spicy, it’s going to be spicy. Yes, ma’am, I understand. I’ll pass that along. Thank you for calling.”
“I’m told this is the best sheet of paper on the market. Can you explain why in particular it’s so good?”
“Well, it’s flat.”
“An important quality, to be sure, but one not entirely unique to this.”
“It’s good for writing on, too.”
“Again, most paper is.”
“Nonsense! There’s loads of paper you can’t write on.”
“Such as?”
“Well, newspaper for one. And toilet paper would be pretty hard, I’d bet.”
“…”
“What?”
“Are you a moron?”
“How dare you say such a thing, sir? I am a trained paper salesman!”
“Did a moron train you?”
“No, sir, a Mormon did.”
“That’d explain it.”
“Have you ever seen a bird die in mid-flight?”
“I can’t say that I have, no…”
“It’s a little like watching your youth evaporate. Like holding a snowflake as it grows. It’s strangely beautiful in the final moments. A graceful fall. It’s like that bag from that one movie; all empty hope and movement without a thing in it. It was the inspiration for that triptych I did last month—the one where the left panel is all red, the right panel is all yellow, and the middle panel is all orange. My mother said it was my best work yet… she never compliments my work… Maybe she wants me to die, mid-flight… You know, sorta like Marilyn Monroe. I once knew a girl named Norma Jean—talk about having fatalist parents damning you to a life of puppetry only to die mysteriously. She wasn’t very pretty, though, so I guess it doesn’t matter. Sorta like that one beat-poet said, ‘Scat ain’t all. That. Man.’ Truer words have never been spoken…”
“ ‘Holding a snowflake while it grows’?”
“Why do you do it? Why do you spend all this time and effort when you’re so reviled?”
“That’s easy. Because I’m not doing it for the people who would rather criticize someone than pursue an achievement themselves, I’m doing it for myself and all those who value the things I do. I do it for the feeling of success I get when something I conceived of and worked toward has come to fruition. I do it because I benefit from it. It provides value to me. I do it because I love to do it and because I can do it.”
“But what do you say to those who criticize you—”
“I don’t think you understand—I don’t care.”
“Come on, let’s go.”
“Do you have it?”
“It’s in the back seat.”
“And they know we’re on the way?”
“Yes. Just relax, it’s almost over.”
“Don’t tell me to relax. Why does everyone tell you to relax in situations like this? It’s not at all helpful. I’d love to relax. I can’t. Telling me to relax isn’t going to do anything but make me more aware of the fact that I’m freaking out, which makes me freak out more. Thanks a lot.”
“What good has technology done for us, really? We’re all living our separate lives, isolated from each other behind our computers and phones. I think we should all go back to how it was before all these gadgets came into our lives and start living simply again, with nature.”
“What good has it done? It’s cured us of many once-fatal diseases and helped extend our lives by decades. It’s created foods that can survive where almost nothing would grow before. It’s made it possible for people to communicate in realtime around the world, and even offworld. We can travel around the world in under a day, something that would’ve been almost inconceivable not that long ago. It’s empowering individuals and providing numerous opportunities that did not exist before. With the internet, someone who makes good music can sell it himself, directly to fans, without dealing with a middleman that takes most of the profit. People with good ideas can start a business and make millions. I can sit in my house, press a button on my computer, and set in motion a chain of events that results in people in various parts of the planet working together to deliver a package to my door.”
“Well, I still don’t like it.”
“And as for your desire to live in the past—because of the absence of all these improvements, life in the past was hard and short. People didn’t live long, and those that did didn’t have a very good time of it. Technology exists to make our lives easier. Do some people use it too much and let it interfere with other important parts of their lives? Probably, yes, but that’s true with just about everything. Don’t worry about those people. If some form of technology makes your life easier and lets you spend more time on more important things, use it. If it makes things more difficult or gets in the way of things you want to do, don’t use it, or limit its use so that it doesn’t get in the way.”
“How much are these strawberries?”
“Twenty dollars.”
“Twenty dollars? That’s highway strawberry!”
“I’m a really bad writer.”
“Why?”
“I just can’t write anything interesting.”
“Oh.”
“This conversation is proving my point.”
(Doctor59) hey is there anybody here?
* Doctor59 has left the room
(porky) i guess the doctor...
(porky) didn't have any patience
* porky whips off sunglasses
(porky) yeeaaaahhhhh
“Have a seat. What seems to be the problem?”
“Whenever I lie down, I can feel my heart beating and it’s freaking me out. What does it mean?”
“It… means that you’re alive.”
“You’d think we’d be eating worse now, wouldn’t you?”
“What do you mean ‘now’?”
“You know, after the nukes landed.”
“We’re eating pigeons we cooked over a drum of burning gasoline in the middle of what was Manhattan. How are things not worse?”
“I’ll admit that things are worse in general but these pigeons turned out great, like goose.”
“It’s amazing what a little rosemary can do.”
“We never appreciated the little things.”
“Yeah. Now pass the Twinkies.”
“No, no, I’m serious. They’re actually very nutritious.”
“How could cockroaches possibly be nutritious?”
“Dude, trust me, I took food chemistry in college.”
“Fine, I’ll try it.”
“Oh my God, I can’t believe you just ate that. Do you have any idea where it’s been?”
“I’m going to kill you. That was way worse than that purple plant you had me eat and I had an allergic reaction to that.”
“Don’t worry, you can’t be allergic to cockroaches.”
“I’m going to put one of these in your next Twinkie.”
“Hey, that’s not fair.”
“Hey, I need to give a presentation this weekend and I need a laptop to do it. I was wondering if I could borrow yours.”
“For the whole weekend?”
“Yeah.”
“Um… no.”
“What? Why not?”
“Because I don’t loan expensive things, even to people I know, and I barely know you. Because it’s mine, and I use it a lot, every day, especially on weekends when I have nothing else to do. Because I can’t believe someone would have the audacity to ask a near stranger to borrow a $2,000 computer for an entire weekend.”
“Did you remember your book?”
“No, I forgot it.”
“Well, give me your bag and get something to read from the shop back there.”
“What will you read?”
“I remembered to bring my book.”
“Do you know what gate I’m supposed to go to?”
“Are you going to Pittsburg too?”
“Oh, no. I’ve been there once and that was enough.”
“This pizza’s pretty good.”
“What?”
“I said, this pizza’s pretty good.”
“It’s very good.”
“What?”
“It’s very good.”
“Yeah. Good mushrooms.”
“What?”
“I don’t understand where ideas come from. I can be sitting thinking about something, when out of nowhere a new idea with no relation to anything I can think of pops into my head. Where does it come from? What causes it?”
“Past experiences, maybe. Or random neurons firing in your brain.”
“But can random neurons firing trigger a coherent idea? With dreams, they often end up completely insane and illogical because of the randomness of what’s causing them.”
“I imagine your conscious mind takes over from the spark of an idea and shapes it into something which makes sense, based on existing knowledge.”
“That makes sense, but maybe this should’ve been written differently and posted on Unsubstantiated Theories instead.”
“So yeah, put the whole college experience online in a sense.”
“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Why would people want to go on the internet instead of going to a party?”
“Well, they can look at photos of, send messages to, and comment on the actions of their friends after the fact.”
“That’s a really crappy idea; it’s never going to sell. What was the other one?”
“What other one?”
“That one you mentioned at breakfast.”
“Oh, it’s a collection of essays submitted by users about things that they hate; basically just people’s rants about all of life’s little annoyances. I call it Things That I Hate.”
“Hmm… I guess there’s some potential in that. But what would people post there?”
“I don’t know, anything that irritates them, things they really don’t like.”
“Could I post your first idea there?”
“Um… I guess if it’s really that bad…”
“It is. I really, really hate it.”
“Have you heard about those new shoes that let you fly?”
“What? How is that possible?”
“They have fans in the bottom that lift you up.”
“That doesn’t sound real. Do you know how big they’d have to be to be powerful enough to lift you? And how do you steer? I think it’s a hoax.”
“No, it’s real! I saw it on the internet!”
“What are you looking for?”
“A bird.”
“Where?”
“Up in the tree.”
“I don’t see it.”
“That’s the point. It’s hidden. I’m trying to look for it.”
“Why? I don’t get it.”
“To… see it.”
“This is a stupid game.”
“It’s not a game, it’s a hobby.”
“So instead of just doing something stupid once, you do it all the time? That’s even worse!”
“Where’s my hat?”
“I saw it on the dresser. Didn’t you wear it out this morning?”
“Yeah, but then I gave it to you to clean.”
“No you didn’t.”
“I’m quite sure I did.”
“I think I would’ve remembered that.”
“Well, then who did I give it to? Your mother’s ghost?”
“Where’d you get that crystal bowl from?”
“Huh? I don’t have a crystal ball.”
“It’s right there on your coffee table.”
“No it’s not. I don’t have a crystal ball anywhere. What do I look like, a psychic?”
“Apparently not, since you don’t know that you have a crystal bowl in a prominent location in your own house!”
“Can you close the door? I can’t hear the TV over that.”
“What?”
“…exactly.”
“Great job! You should get an award for being a master debater.”
“Thanks! It’d go well with the one I got last year for my cunning linguistic skills.”
“How much for the chess set?”
“That’s not for sale.”
“What about the duck head?”
“Not for sale.”
“This telescope?”
“Nope.”
“Don’t you have anything for sale? Isn’t this an antique store?”
“No, it’s a museum.”
“That’s quite a stack of books you’ve got there.”
“Yeah, I’ve been going through my collection to organize them.”
“Why don’t you just get a bookshelf?”
“I have bookshelves, they’re just off them for the moment while I reorganize them. Then they’ll go back on the shelves.”
“It looks messy like this, you should put them back now.”
“But I’m organizing them.”
“I don’t care. I wouldn’t shop here if I saw it looking like this.”
“Shop here? This isn’t a bookstore, it’s my house. Who are you, anyway, and what are you doing in here?”
“It’s so hot I feel like I’m melting. I know that phrase is clichéd and I hate it, but it’s how I feel. I’m sweating so much it feels like I’m melting away.”
“So go for a swim.”
“Here? Now?”
“Why not? There’s no one around.”
“Well, for starters, I didn’t bring my swimsuit. Also, this is a toxic waste dump…”
“Excuse me.”
“Oh, sorry, go ahead.”
“No, no, it’s okay. I’m the pilot, you can’t leave without me anyway.”
“I’m just completely out of ideas.”
“But you have the domain and hosting and everything. You can’t just not post anything.”
“But I really have nothing.”
“I know! You can submit real conversations and pretend they’re fictional.”
“I don’t think about that—it sounds unethical.”
“Maybe just slightly change it to make it more interesting.”
“I guess I could give it a shot.”
“Life is like a—”
“Don’t you dare say ‘box of chocolates’!”
“What? Why not?”
“Because it’s a trite, clichéd phrase that doesn’t require any thought or originality on your part, and which you think makes you sound clever, but it really doesn’t.”
“People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.”
“There! You did it again! And it didn’t even make sense! You’re the one using clichés, not me.”
“You criticized me for using clichés, which is so cliché.”
“Why do we have five gallons of gravy? We don’t have a serving dish large enough for all of that.”
“Then I guess we’re going to need a bigger boat.”
“You bought the gravy just to set up that joke, didn’t you?”
“Best $40 I ever spent.”
“Did you hear they’re making Atlas Shrugged into a movie?”
“That’s going to be a… trainwreck.”
“Did you hear how Google sucks and suspends people’s AdSense accounts for no apparent reason? They even take all the money the people earned.”
“So much for ‘do no evil’, huh?”
“I always get scared at night when I’m home alone.”
“Why?”
“I hear every little noise and think it’s someone outside and have to go look to make sure it’s not. It gets to where I start imagining noises.”
“What, are you afraid the boogeyman will get you?”
“No, I’m afraid the drug smugglers and thieves that walk past my house at night will get me.”
“Oh. Yeah. I guess that’s fair.”
“My steering’s not working as well as it should.”
“That’s just your ’pinion…”
“You spend too much time at the computer.”
“It’s how I make my living, and it’s not like I have anything better to do. And you’re one to talk, telling me that via a computer.”
“Man, it’s cold in here. Can we turn on the heat?”
“Just put on some socks. That’ll keep you warm.”
“I already have socks on. Two pairs of socks.”
“Try a coat, then.”
“I’m wearing a thick shirt, a sweater, long pants, gloves, two pairs of socks and a bathrobe. I’m still cold. Why won’t you just turn on the heat?!”
“Just seems like a waste.”
“A waste? This is the exact reason heaters exist. To make life comfortable. Stop being so stingy!”
“Max! Max! Come! Come here! Come here, Max! Do you want some food? Wanna eat? Come here, Max! MAX! Let’s go! No, not after the lizard! Come on! Come here! Good d—NO!”
“I need you to click on the desktop, click the ‘Go’ menu, and go down to ‘Connect to Server.’ ”
“What was that first one again?”
“Click the desktop?”
“How do I do that?”
“What do you mean exactly?”
“How do I ‘click the desktop’?”
“Move your cursor over your desktop and click.”
“I don’t think this computer has a cursor, it’s a Mac.”
“All Macs have cursors. Are you using a trackpad or a mouse?”
“The exterminators say we don’t have any mice.”
“Is it a laptop or a desktop.”
“It’s on my desk.”
“Do you take it home with you or leave it on your desk?”
“I only take it home on weekends. Should I take it home everyday?”
“No, that’s fine. I just need you to press the Command key and the K key on your keyboard.”
“I don’t think this computer has a keyboard.”
“I’m going to have you schedule a house call.”
“New Hawaii Five-O? Is nothing sacred?”
“Only money.”
“Who’s that asian guy with the script, trying all the car doors?”
“Wong Kar-wai.”
“No reason, just wondered…”
“Have you ever noticed how some new electronic device comes out and you really want it, so you save your money and buy it, and for the first few days you use it all the time and you love it—but then it starts sitting around more and more until within a month you’re not using it at all?”
“Yep.”
“I hate that.”
“Me too.”
“I’m almost done with the last problem. I’m just drinking a Red Bull first.”
“Why are you drinking a Red Bull?”
“I started to feel tired.”
“But you’re on the last problem. Why didn’t you just finish up the problem and go to sleep?”
“I can’t work when I’m tired. I only got three hours of sleep last night.”
“I thought you went to bed at 2.”
“Well, yeah, but I didn’t actually fall asleep until like 4 or 5.”
“Yikes, does that happen a lot?”
“Well, usually only after working on problem sets like these.”
“Let me guess, you drank a lot of Red Bull last night too.”
“Only because I was so tired and needed to get them done.”
“So it took you a while to fall asleep the night before, huh?”
“How’d you know that?”
“I’m just detecting a pattern.”
“Hello, Josh.”
“Shut up, I’m in character.”
“Would your character actually say that?”
“No, I don’t think he would.”
“But would he think that?”
“Okay, really, shut up, I need to stay in character.”
“Why is your character in character?”
“He isn’t.”
“Why is your character referring to himself in the third person?”
“Damn it, why are you being so critical?”
“I’m in character as your acting studio teacher.”
“My acting studio teacher wouldn’t be in character as himself.”
“Touché.”
“He also doesn’t speak French.”
“I’m beginning to think that everything worth knowing we learned in kindergarten.”
“How so?”
“I mean, when we were young we knew all the really important stuff. Share. Be nice to the other kids. Do the things you love. Screw the rest.”
“Not the last one so much.”
“Eh. Point is, why do we have to keep coming here, learning all the rest of this crap?”
“If I knew that, I wouldn’t have to go to high school.”
“Touché. Maybe, you know, the point of life is to regain what we knew back in the sandbox.”
“…Damien?”
“Yeah?”
“I think that’s the most profound thing you’ve ever said.”
“Thank you. It took me all morning to figure that all out.”
“How’d you even think of it?”
“There was a poster in the Character Ed room with a list of life lessons we learned in preschool.”
“Ah. That makes it slightly less impressive.”
“…I wasn’t supposed to tell you that part, was I?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Well, crap.”
“POOKIE! Come here! Did you pee on my pillow?”
Umm… no.
“Well, who did, then?”
You?
“No, Pookie, I did not pee on my pillow.”
Maybe you just don’t remember.
“POOKIE!”
Well, I had to go.
“Why didn’t you just go on your puppy pad?”
Because my feet get wet!
“Oh, and they don’t get wet when you pee on my pillow?”
No, ’cause I wiped my feet on your sheet. Hey, can I have a treat?
“I mustache you a question… but I’m shaving it for later.”
“That’s a stupid joke.”
“I thought it was a hairy funny joke.”