Sacred
“New Hawaii Five-O? Is nothing sacred?”
“Only money.”
Conversation with an End User
“I need you to click on the desktop, click the ‘Go’ menu, and go down to ‘Connect to Server.’ ”
“What was that first one again?”
“Click the desktop?”
“How do I do that?”
“What do you mean exactly?”
“How do I ‘click the desktop’?”
“Move your cursor over your desktop and click.”
“I don’t think this computer has a cursor, it’s a Mac.”
“All Macs have cursors. Are you using a trackpad or a mouse?”
“The exterminators say we don’t have any mice.”
“Is it a laptop or a desktop.”
“It’s on my desk.”
“Do you take it home with you or leave it on your desk?”
“I only take it home on weekends. Should I take it home everyday?”
“No, that’s fine. I just need you to press the Command key and the K key on your keyboard.”
“I don’t think this computer has a keyboard.”
“I’m going to have you schedule a house call.”
Conversation With a Dog
“Max! Max! Come! Come here! Come here, Max! Do you want some food? Wanna eat? Come here, Max! MAX! Let’s go! No, not after the lizard! Come on! Come here! Good d—NO!”
Climate Control
“Man, it’s cold in here. Can we turn on the heat?”
“Just put on some socks. That’ll keep you warm.”
“I already have socks on. Two pairs of socks.”
“Try a coat, then.”
“I’m wearing a thick shirt, a sweater, long pants, gloves, two pairs of socks and a bathrobe. I’m still cold. Why won’t you just turn on the heat?!”
“Just seems like a waste.”
“A waste? This is the exact reason heaters exist. To make life comfortable. Stop being so stingy!”
Hypocrisy
“You spend too much time at the computer.”
“It’s how I make my living, and it’s not like I have anything better to do. And you’re one to talk, telling me that via a computer.”
Men vs. Women
“Why do you use two towels after you shower?”
“You should try being covered in hair sometime.”
Country Mechanic
“My steering’s not working as well as it should.”
“That’s just your ’pinion…”
The Boogeyman
“I always get scared at night when I’m home alone.”
“Why?”
“I hear every little noise and think it’s someone outside and have to go look to make sure it’s not. It gets to where I start imagining noises.”
“What, are you afraid the boogeyman will get you?”
“No, I’m afraid the drug smugglers and thieves that walk past my house at night will get me.”
“Oh. Yeah. I guess that’s fair.”
Do No Evil
“Did you hear how Google sucks and suspends people’s AdSense accounts for no apparent reason? They even take all the money the people earned.”
“So much for ‘do no evil’, huh?”
Movie Adaptation
“Did you hear they’re making Atlas Shrugged into a movie?”
“That’s going to be a… trainwreck.”